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ORGANIZING
A CARING PARENTS GROUP
by
Karen & Ron Flowers
Directors, Department of Family
Ministries, General Conference
1992
Why a Caring
Parents group?
A Caring Parents group can provide a setting for parents to
fellowship and support each other and work through common parenting
issues.
Parents
need other parents. The encouragement given them through association
and interaction with other parents provides an affirmation of themselves
as persons, gives them a sense of belonging to a community of others
who share similar concerns, and provides opportunities for celebrating
the joy and satisfactions of parenting.
Parents
can help other parents. In a Caring Parents group, an environment
of trust and acceptance is created. Parents experience a sense of
freedom to examine their own behavior, to observe others and try
alternate ways of relating to their children.
The Caring Parents group is a special application of the 'small
companies' principle:
"Let the members be formed into small companies, to work not
only for the church members, but for unbelievers. . . . Let them
keep their bond unbroken, pressing together in love and unity, encouraging
one another to advance, each gaining courage and strength from the
assistance of the others."—Ellen G. White, Testimonies
for the Church, vol. 7, p. 22.
"We meet together to edify one another by an interchange of
thoughts and feelings, and to gather strength, and light, and courage
by becoming acquainted with one another's hopes and aspirations;
and by our earnest, heartfelt prayers, offered up in faith, we receive
refreshment and vigor from the Source of our strength."—Ellen
G. White, Testimonies for the Church, vol. 2, pp. 578, 579.
Organization
The Caring Parents group is loosely structured with several parents
covenanting with each other to meet on a regular basis for a specific
period of time. Size of the group is flexible, though personal sharing
tends to be diminished in groups larger than ten or twelve. The
group may meet as often as once per week or once in 2-3 weeks. Meetings
should be kept to a maximum of two hours, beginning on time and
ending on time.
It is important that the group have calendar boundaries, perhaps
of 9-12 months at which time the group terminates or recovenants
for another year. The school calendar year of nine or ten months
has been found by some to provide a satisfactory time framework.
Membership
Open to any parent who is interested and committed to the particular
goals of the Caring Parents group. In larger churches several such
groups may form with each having a different focus such as early
childhood training, challenges of parenting teens, single parenting,
or ministry to "wounded" parents, who are discouraged
by the rejecting attitudes of their adolescent and early adult children.
Leadership
An individual or couple may serve as facilitator(s) of the Caring
Parents group. As the structure of the group is flexible, so the
leadership style may vary, depending on the needs and goals of the
group and the personalities and abilities of those in leadership.
Leadership responsibilities may be rotated around the group during
meetings or from meeting to meeting.
Group leaders should be familiar with group process, possess some
basic leadership skills, and have a high level of propriety. They
should be alert to their own limitations and the limitations of
the care group.
Process
Caring Parents groups exist for the purpose of allowing parents
to focus on their personal needs, their needs as couples in relation
to their children and the needs of their children. Although common
bonds and socializing will develop within the group, this must be
secondary to the primary task of concentrating on some aspect of
the issue affecting relationships. The leader couple may select
topics or all members may be asked to suggest issues to be used
as topics. The group may construct an agenda for an entire year,
for several meetings in advance, or do so on a meeting to meeting
basis. Books, tapes, films, exercises or other materials may be
used as springboards for discussion.
Discussion
Guide Resource for Caring Parents Groups
The following are discussion starters for a Caring Parents
Group using passages from the The Wounded Parent by Guy Greenfield.
Information for purchasing this book may be found in the Resources
section.
Session
1: Asking for Help
When your son or daughter has gone astray, one of the worst
things you can do is pull into your shell and hurt. Many of
us believe that such problems are so personal that they aren't
anyone else's business. We think that in time we can handle
our own problems. We learn from our culture that we are supposed
to be able to stand on our own two feet.
When you feel your family has been torpedoed, you need help.
Asking for help, although at first a difficult step for many,
can be the first movement toward recovery. . . .
To ask for help is not only to acknowledge our humanity but
also to begin the desired healing process. God uses other people
to assist in healing in the emotional realm, just as He does
in the physical realm.—Guy Greenfield, The Wounded Parent,
pp. 24, 25.
1. What
were your emotions when you first discovered one of your children
going astray?
2. Can you talk about your family situation with a small circle
of friends from your church? If not, why not?
3. Do you feel that God has failed you in your family situation?
If so, can you describe your attitude?
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Session
2: The Pain of Rejection
When children do not live up to their parents' expectations,
the experience is similar to a divorce. This is especially true
when the parents' expectations pertain to morality and religious
convictions. This type of divorce is an especially painful form
of rejection.
A rejection of the moral codes of one's parents will likely
be taken personally by the parents. We parents are too wrapped
up in our moral convictions to separate ourselves intellectually
from those convictions and not feel the emotional pain of rejection
when our children disappoint us with their behavior.
When a child goes astray morally, he or she will also inevitably
reject the family's church and all it stands for. This will
be embarrassing to many parents. It is so often taken as a sign
of parental failure. What will the parents say to their friends
at church (especially if the child's behavior involves the police
or a pregnancy)?
God is so identified with religious, church-going parents that
when youth rebel against their parents, they will probably rebel
against God also. In other words, the will of the parents is
the will of God. The lifestyle of the parents is a godly lifestyle.
At least, this is what the children think.
This is not a carefully reasoned-out process in a youth's mind.
It is usually a subconscious process of identification. However,
if there are any deep-seated feelings of anger on the part of
the child toward the parents, one way to strike out in anger
is to reject those values, beliefs, and practices that mean
a great deal to the parents. If God means much to parents whose
child is rebelling, the objects of rebellion will likely include
God.
The hardest part of the pain of rejection is the thought that
a wayward child has rejected your love. Rejection of love hurts
and hurts deeply. At the time, there seems to be no reasonable
explanation for the rejection of sincere love. Such rejection
seems to be ungrateful cruelty.
Rejection of parental love is a very personal form of rejection.
For someone to reject your love is to reject you as a person.
This is difficult for anyone to take.
When your child goes astray, it hurts. And it's all right to
hurt if you will use the pain to discover your strengths and
weaknesses and to determine to grow thereby.—Guy Greenfield,
The Wounded Parent, pp. 37, 39, 41, 42, 45.
1. Can
you describe the types of rejection you have experienced as
a parent?
2. Is conditional love being expressed in your home? How can
you avoid this?
3. How are you coping with marital strain due to your situation
with your son or daughter?
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Session
3: Managing Your Emotions
Pain results from feeling rejected. Feeling rejected by a son
or daughter makes a parent hurt emotionally. This is a pain
that is as severe as physical pain. Most of us have experienced
what is commonly called "hurt feelings."
Pain also results from feeling disappointment. High expectations
for a son or daughter can be easily shattered by his or her
refusal to meet those expectations and a decision to go his
or her own way (especially when such behavior involves actions
contrary to the parents' moral standards).
It's all right to hurt (to be disappointed) if you will go beyond
the hurt to serious efforts to listen, to understand, to care,
to support (if wanted), and to love unconditionally. More important
than your hurt feelings is your son's or daughter's freedom
to make his or her own decisions, even if you disagree with
those decisions. If the decisions, in your estimation, are poor
ones, then let the consequences be the ultimate teacher. This
is not easy to do; it may be part of the pain of being a parent.
But (especially for an older teenager or young adult) it may
be the only way.
Listening and understanding are better than anger and resentment.
Unselfish concern for your child's problems is better than embarrassment.
Asking for help is better than wallowing in self-pity. Resolving
grief is better than sinking into it. Pain needs to be transcended
by unconditional love in an atmosphere of freedom. Learning
from our mistakes is better than indulging in a guilt trip.
Trust in God is better than the paralysis of fear.—Guy
Greenfield, The Wounded Parent, pp. 53, 54, 56.
1. How
can parents handle embarrassment about their children's behavior?
2. How can your Christian faith help you to choose new and
healthy emotions?
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Session
4: Staying Out of the Blame Game
When your son or daughter has rebelled against your Christian
beliefs and values, it is normal to look back over the years
and ask yourself, "What went wrong?" But instead of
asking, "Who's to blame?" or "Whose fault was
it?" it is so much more productive to ask, "What can
I learn from this? How can I best relate to my child now that
all of this has happened? How can my husband or wife and I work
together in building a new relationship with our child?"
I personally found it to be a great relief the day I discovered
that my undershirt does not have a large monogrammed S on the
front of it. Likewise, there is no large W on my wife's clothing.
I am not Superman and she is not Wonder Woman when it comes
to parenting. The day we both accepted that fact was a day a
heavy burden was lifted.
God's forgiveness is clearly promised and eagerly offered. Confessing
your perceived mistakes to your son or daughter is not so easy.
Timing and place will be important. Only God, working through
your good common sense, can impress you to know when and where
that will be. But do confess your mistakes to your child. However,
do not expect your child to readily respond in kindness and
forgiveness. He or she will need time and some maturity to know
how to respond. Someone has to take the first step in reconciliation.
When you do your part, leave the response in the hands of God
and in the will of your child. Be patient.
Don't dwell on the past. What has happened has happened. Laying
the blame on another is neither your business (you are not omniscient)
nor a productive procedure. Avoid berating yourself for your
"parental failure." Jesus died for our sins. We need
not nor cannot atone for them. Learn from the past as best you
can (although our memories and perceptions are often poor).
Reach out to bless your child as best you can at this late date
with love, acceptance, trust, and encouragement.—Guy Greenfield,
The Wounded Parent, pp. 67, 69, 73.
1. Do
you feel an inclination to put up a pretense of perfection?
Why?
2. What constructive lessons can you derive from the past
in regard to your children?
3. Is there an unblessed child in your family? What can you
do about this?
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Session
5: Building a New Relationship
A wounded parent can neither correct all the mistakes of the
past nor bring a son or daughter back to the relationship that
existed five or ten years earlier. Present realities must be
squarely faced and accepted. Although you may not agree with
your child's lifestyle, values, or behavior, it will help the
family situation greatly if you can merely accept the fact that
"this is the way it is." Such acceptance will facilitate
immensely your next move: trying to build a new relationship.
This will not always be easy, nor can it be done quickly, but
you can start in this direction.
All parents should be working themselves out of the job of being
parents and easing themselves into the relationship of being
friends of their children. This is especially true of wounded
parents. I am not suggesting that you cannot be both parents
and friends at the same time during the early formative years
of your children's lives. By the phrase the job of being parents,
I mean the role of parenting. But as children grow up, the role
of parenting by father and mother should diminish while the
role of friend should increase.
You don't have to compromise your moral convictions or religious
beliefs in order to be open in communication. If your son or
daughter has moved out of the house or lives at a distance due
to location of a job, you can still call or write, but keep
the conversation or subject on a nonjudgmental level. He or
she knows how you feel about value differences between you.
Your son or daughter wants to know if you still care, in spite
of differences. Is a communicating friendship still possible?
You will have to decide.—Guy Greenfield, The Wounded
Parent, pp. 87, 96.
1. How
do you feel about shifting from the role of parent to that
of friend with your children?
2. What does it mean to be judgmental of your children? respectful?
3. To what extent should you protect your child from the consequences
of his or her behavior?
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Session
6: Finding Creative Possibilities in Disappointment
Failure doesn't mean you are a failure. . . .
It does mean you haven't succeeded yet.
Failure doesn't mean you have accomplished nothing. . . .
It does mean you have learned something.
Failure doesn't mean you have been a fool. . . .
It does mean you had a lot of faith.
Failure doesn't mean you've been disgraced. . . .
It does mean you were willing to try.
Failure doesn't mean you don't have it. . . .
It does mean you have to do something in a different way.
Failure doesn't mean you are inferior. . . .
It does mean you are not perfect.
Failure doesn't mean you've wasted you life. . . .
It does mean you have a reason to start afresh.
Failure doesn't mean you should give up. . . .
It does mean you must try harder.
Failure doesn't mean you'll never make it. . . .
It does mean it will take a little longer.
Failure doesn't mean God has abandoned you. . . .
It does mean God has a better idea.
Robert H. Schuller quoted in Guy Greenfield, The Wounded
Parent, pp. 102, 103.
1. Reflect
on these thoughts. What idea stands out for you at this moment?
2. What creative possibilities can emerge from your disappointment?
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Session
7: Supporting Each Other
The church is engaged in a major spiritual war in the midst
of a hostile and secular battlefield, and the church is suffering
many casualties. The injured need to and can help each other.
Your wounds of disappointment, heartache, and discouragement
as a parent can be filled with purpose and meaning as you reach
out to other wounded parents to heal their injured spirits.
If you will allow God to use this situation to work through
the problems you are facing, it can be an unusual opportunity
for God to reveal Himself in a most powerful way to those who
are watching how you respond. I have known of several wounded
Christian parents who have told their stories time and again
to interested people and have related how God continued to bless
within their homes. Even in the midst of seemingly tragic circumstances,
God was able to bring about miracles between parents and children.
People do not ignore that type of witnessing. Such shared faith
is never artificial but has the ring of reality.—Guy Greenfield,
The Wounded Parent, pp. 110, 111, 117.
1. How
has the experience of a support group helped you?
2. How do you feel when you discover other wounded parents
in your church or circle of friends?
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