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BUILDING
CHARACTERS FOR ETERNITY
by
Linda Koh
Family Ministries Director
Asia Pacific Division
1995
| Theme:
Scripture reveals the paramount task of parents—to develop
solid characters in their children, characters that will stand
firm against negative influences of the world. |
| Theme
Text: Deut. 6:1, 2, 5-7; Proverbs 22:6 |
| Presentation
Notes: Throughout the following outline, numbers in
parentheses (1), (2), (3) are used to indicate items from the
section called Sermon Illumination which may be used
for illustration. The addition of your personal illustrations
will enhance the presentation. |
In a world
of change, diminishing family values, moral laxity, and increased
numbers of single parents, our children's spiritual condition is
at stake. It is therefore crucial for parents to devote their time
and energy to building a foundation for their child's character.
It is critical because a child's spiritual character will be molded
no matter what. It will either be molded by Christian parents or
it will be molded by the world. Character development cannot be
left to chance.
Moral theorists like Robert Peck, Robert Havighurst, and Lawrence
Kohlberg (1) tell us that childhood is the critical period for a
person's character to be formed and shaped. In fact, during the
first seven years the foundation of a child's character is pretty
much established (see Kuzma, 1989, p. 3).
Develop
A Plan for Character Building
Skillful artists and builders work with clear plans before them.
A sculptor with no design makes every cut haphazardly. A builder
without a blueprint constructs a house that is weak and unattractive.
In the same way, parents must have a design, a plan for what they
want their child's character to be. What do you want to build into
his or her life? Consider the words of Jesus, "Suppose one
of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate
the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it?" (Luke
14:28).
Christian parents need to establish specific goals for their parenting.
Visualize your child as God does, at the height of maturity. Do
you see him or her as walking with God, sharing time and possessions
with others, ministering to those in need, being self-sacrificing,
or serving God in the mission field? With such mental pictures in
mind of what they would like for their children, parents can keep
on target and focus on ideas for parenting that will increase the
likelihood that their children will accept their values and, as
they mature, will espouse and aspire to goals similar to those of
their parents. (2)
Teach by
Precept
The duty of parents is clearly explained in Deut. 6:1, 2, 5-7. These
texts record a time when God told His people to teach their children
the faithfulness of God and to promote the fear of God in their
homes.
Parental instruction must be diligent and earnest. "These commandments
that I give you . . . impress them on your children." This
requires making the most of opportunities and activities in which
the child is interested to teach him or her important values and
beliefs such as love, respect, honesty, and kindness.
Parents also need to teach continuously and with perseverance. "Talk
about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road,
when you lie down and when you get up." Formation of habits
and the training of character are not attained by isolated efforts,
but by regular and unceasing repetition. (3) If playing in the garden
or reading a story together provides parents the "impressionable"
moment to guide and to teach, then do so by all means. We should
not let opportunities slip by because we are too tired at the end
of the day, or because the children are busy with their play, or
because everyone is watching television.
Samuel was one of the finest examples of spiritual faithfulness
in the Old Testament. He remained obedient to God throughout his
life. He grew up in Eli's household at a time when Eli was also
the high priest. He had watched Eli lose his sons to the world.
He had seen what Eli had done wrong and the mistakes he should have
avoided. Unfortunately, Samuel failed just as Eli did —he lost
his sons in exactly the same way (see 1 Samuel 8:3).
Being a great leader does not guarantee effectiveness as a parent.
The training of children takes time. Eli and Samuel were too busy
serving the Lord to take time to train their sons or to build close,
influential relationships with them. They failed to obey the command
to teach their sons when "you sit at home and when you walk
along the road, when you lie down and when you get up" (Deut.
6:7).
Teach by
Example
There is an old saying, "Action speaks louder than words."
If training is to be effective, it must start within the parents.
Parents must themselves exemplify the values and beliefs they hold
so fervently. Children will have greater respect for instruction
if they witness a genuineness in the models of their mothers and
fathers.
In Philippians 4:9, Paul illustrates this point vividly, "Whatever
you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put
it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." The
Philippian Christians had an excellent example in Paul who was a
pattern of the same truth he preached. No wonder the church at Philippi
was so healthy and happy.
All this speaks volumes to parents. If you want your children to
be kind, you must first show kindness, if you want them to love
God and revere His Sabbath, you must show them how you love the
Lord and keep His Holy Day.
Discover
the Child's Personality
In Proverbs 6:22 we find the old familiar verse most Christians
can quote from memory, "Train a child in the way he should
go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." Training
and developing children's characters require that parents recognize
the importance of individual differences in their children. Training
your children does not mean bringing them up as you see them. Rather
it is training them in the way they should go—that is, in keeping
with individual gifts or bent.
In every child God places in our arms, there is a bent, a
set of established inclinations or personality traits. It is vital
in character training to discover that bent and adapt our
training accordingly. It is unwise for parents to fit every child
into their (the parents') mold. Parents need to be wise and sensitive
to know the way God made their children to be, so that they can
cultivate and bring forth the best in them. But how do parents detect
which bents our children have?
Proverbs 20:11-12 is still the best answer, "Even a child is
known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right.
Ears that hear and eyes that see—the Lord has made them both."
Parents will discover the characteristics of their child when they
study him or her carefully, using the "ears that hear and eyes
that see." Observe, listen, and spend time with your child
to discover his or her interests, inclinations, strengths and weaknesses.
Help the child become what God has intended for him or her to be.
Teach Your
Child to Think
While it is important to teach by example and by precept, it is
even more important to teach your child to think for himself or
herself. In character building, children should be encouraged to
think through moral and religious values clearly, so that they can
clarify their own values and see the consequences of their actions.
In his book, Help Your Child Learn Right From Wrong, Sidney
Simon suggests that parents take time to help their children discuss
values, actively choosing their beliefs and behaviors, prizing them,
cherishing them, and acting consistently on their beliefs (see Hollander,
1980).
In many Christian homes a child is told what he or she may or may
not do, but is not trained to understand why. Internally, that child
lacks a conviction to stand firm on what he or she believes to be
right. It is therefore important to encourage your child to think
about why an act is right or wrong. One way to do this is to pose
various dilemmas and ask your child what he or she would do and
why. For example, you might ask,"What would you do if your
family didn't have enough food and the neighbors had plenty, but
wouldn't give you any?" Help your child think about and find
justification for his or her reactions.
How Can
I Help My Child Develop Self-Control?
Parents, try not to shield your children from the consequences of
their decisions. If they decide to act on certain issues after considering
your advice, allow them to make that choice. When they make a wrong
choice, they may have to pay for it. But it can be a valuable lesson
from experience.
If parents decide everything for the child, he or she has no need
to develop self-control, or to consider what is right or wrong.
When such children are really confronted with many tempting situations
they will have no previous experiences that have sharpened their
insight or helped them have confidence that they are making good
choices. (4), (5)
Developing
A Sense of Responsibility
It is important that our children develop responsibility if they
are to act morally as well as reason morally. But to develop responsibility,
children have to have responsibility. That includes taking
care of their possessions, doing their homework, keeping their commitments,
and earning their pocket money when they are old enough to do so.
However, we also need to provide them with opportunities to care
for others, to contribute to the welfare of other family members
and those in the church and community. Such responsibilities might
be supervising and reading to a younger brother or sister, caring
for a pet, sharing household chores, helping a charitable organization
(such as walking in a "walkathon" fund-raiser for the
handicapped), or putting aside some pocket money for a worthy cause.
At an early age children can be taught principles of Christian stewardship,
the wise management of all that God has provided for them, including
the returning to Him of their tithe and giving offerings for His
cause.
Responsibility training should start early. Even two-year-olds can
help mother fold dishtowels! As children's moral reasoning develops,
parents should seek every opportunity to explain why we should help
others. This helps children to grow up in a balanced way, with thoughtfulness
and concern for others, instead of always demanding their rights
and having no sense of their obligations.
The Labor
of Love
Training children to have upright characters, to love God, to be
loyal citizens now and in the future, and to have altruistic concerns
for the welfare of others requires a life of self-sacrifice on the
part of parents. It requires love that "seeketh not its own"
but lives and gives of itself. It requires not so much the material
things that parents can provide for their children. Rather, it requires
that parents labor consistently with love and patience to teach
their children by their actions and lifestyles the moral values
and character traits they so desire to transmit.
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Sermon
Illumination
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One
(1): Stages of children's moral development
Lawrence Kohlberg's research on the moral development of children
indicates that there is a developmental pattern that influences
a child to make decisions regarding right and wrong.
• Infancy
stage (0-2). Before age two the child has little understanding
of right and wrong. He or she tends to follow impulses. However,
parents and adults condition him or her to respond to the word
"No" as a guide to things that are wrong.
• Preschool
stage (2-5). At this stage a child makes decisions based
on whether he or she will be rewarded or punished
for a behavior. These children are generally self-centered,
doing what they want to do. If caught or punished for a wrong
behavior, they will refrain from doing it.
• Early
elementary school stage (6-12). This is the stage when the
child is a conformist and does what is acceptable and right
because it is the acceptable thing to do. Kohlberg calls this
the "Good- boy, Good-girl stage." Children abide by
the rules because their parents are proud of them or they would
be ashamed if others saw them not doing so. So they do what's
right in order to be "good."
• Later
elementary school stage (12-14). The child keeps a strict
moral code of right and wrong to the point of becoming legalistic.
Children adhere fanatically to rules of a game and respect authority.
"It is against the law!" Moreover, this can be a dangerous
stage for determining what is right or wrong, because children
tend to follow a Pied Piper rather than thinking things through
and coming to a rational decision about what they ought to do.
• High
school stage (15-18). This is the final level at which adolescents
make moral decisions based on an internalized set of moral principles
to judge whether something is right or wrong. It is not based
on blind obedience to authority. Young people who have developed
an internalized moral code will not be affected by peer pressure
or the desire for self-gratification. |
Two
(2): Developing a Character-building Plan—an Analogy
Once upon a time in the land of parenting, there lived two builders.
Both had been given the responsibility to construct a building.
Both had been given the counsel to start early. ("Train
a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will
not turn from it" Proverbs 22:6.) Both had been given the
guidelines from the Master Designer. Both had been given the
h-o-t line number where the Master Designer could be reached,
with the instruction to stay in touch. And both had all the
necessary tools to accomplish the task.
The first builder knew the responsibility was his, and he knew
the counsel, but when he began reading the guidelines he said,
"These instructions are too general. It is so difficult
to relate these ancient guidelines to conditions today."
And the more detailed plans seemed too idealistic. "It
is impossible for me to build in such a manner because of the
kind of world I live in and because of so many pressing responsibilities.
Besides, I want to know exactly how hard and how many times
I pound on the nail to make it go in the right way, and these
plans aren't that specific. I don't have time to call the Master
Designer all the time. What will He think if I bother Him with
such little things?" So he went his own way, and built
a little here and a little there. He did this when his schedule
permitted it, and when he felt like it. His building grew, but
it toppled in the storm.
The second builder took his responsibility to build more seriously.
To understand clearly the Master Designer's counsel, he read
the guidelines from cover to cover, selecting those principles
that he could use to develop his own set of plans that would
meet his specific needs. He studied the designs developed by
other successful builders, and rather than follow them blindly,
he searched for the architectural principles that would apply
to his unique situation.
What a job! It would have been much easier to follow blindly
what others had done.
But in the guidelines of the Master Designer he found this challenge:
"See, the Lord your God has given you the land. Go up and
take possession of it [build on it] as the Lord, the God of
your fathers, told you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged"
( Deuteronomy 1:21). And he took courage, picked up his tools,
and began to build. He kept in constant contact with the Master
Designer. He wasn't afraid to admit his lack of knowledge and
to ask for help. He was thankful for the hot line!
He didn't do a perfect job, especially in the early days when
he was new to the task. It takes time to learn. He pounded in
a few bent nails. He even papered the wrong wall a time or two.
But when this happened he said, "I'm sorry," and started
again. Rather than hide his mistakes, he corrected them as soon
as he became aware of them. Even though it took a little more
time and patience, the results were worth it, for the building
was nearly perfect.
After eighteen years of planning, pounding, and papering, the
building, although not fully complete, was ready to stand on
its own. And it did, through the wind and the storm. When people
came to the housewarming they liked all of it from the inside
out.
And the Master Designer said, "Well done, good and faithful
servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put
you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!"
(Matthew 25:21). And he did. |
Three
(3): An old man remarked, "When I was a little
boy somebody gave me a cucumber in a bottle. The neck of the
bottle was small, the cucumber very large. I wondered how it
got in there. Out in the garden one day, I came upon a bottle
that had slipped over a little green cucumber. Then I understood.
The cucumber had grown large after it had been put in the bottle."
Building good habits or developing bad habits of character are
like the cucumber in the bottle. If habits are repeated while
children are young, it will be difficult to remove them when
children are grown. |
| Four
(4): Kay Kuzma related the following experience.
"I had a greenhouse one year and my tomato vines grew like
weeds, but they had such spindly stems I had to brace them.
Later I noticed a smaller plant growing outside the greenhouse,
apparently from a dropped seed. I couldn't believe the difference
in the plants. The stem on the outside plant was thick and sturdy.
That convicted me of the value of a little windy weather. When
things come too easily to a child, there is no lesson to develop
character traits such as courage, perseverance, or thrift. If
there has been no pain, there is no need for sympathy or compassion." |
| Five
(5): Kay Kuzma related an instance when her daughter
Karrie had decided not to go with the family on a special trip.
Airline tickets were purchased for the family members at a special
price. Later, Karrie changed her mind and decided to go. The
airfare, however, had increased. Karrie had to pay the difference
of $200 from her own savings. It was an expensive lesson, but
Karrie admitted that it was a valuable lesson. |
References
Habenicht, D. J. (1990). How to help your child really love Jesus.
Hagerstown, MD: Review & Herald Publishing Association.
Holland, A. (1980). How to help your child have a spiritual life.
New York: A & W Publishers.
Kuzma, K. (1989). Building your child's character from the inside
out. Elgin, IL: David Cook Publishing Company.
Murray, A. (1984). How to bring your children to Christ.
Springdale, PA: Whitaker House.
Phillips, M. (1981). Building respect, responsibility, and spiritual
values in your child. Minneapolis, MN: Bethany House Publishers.
Swindoll, C. R. (1977). You and your child. Nashville, TN:
Thomas Nelson Publishers.
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