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SUSTAINING
LOVE THROUGH THE SEASONS OF MARRIAGE
by
Ron Flowers
Director, Department of Family
Ministries, General Conference
1994
| Theme:
Provisions exist in the Christian gospel to enable married couples
to maintain their covenant amid changes that affect their marriage. |
| Theme
Text: Lam. 3:23; Hosea 2:20 |
| Presentation
Notes: Throughout the following outline, numbers in
parentheses (1), (2), (3) are used to indicate items from the
section called Sermon Illumination which may be used
for illustration. The addition of your personal illustrations
will enhance the presentation. |
The theme for
the 1994 International Year of the Family is "Empowering Families
for Growth and Change." Change in our world is inescapable.
Change is normal in marriage. Today we are considering marriage
and how husbands and wives can be empowered to deal with change
in their relationship.
Changes
in Marriage
Change in the institution of marriage itself. There are a
number of ways in which married couples experience change. First
of all, contemporary marriage is undergoing a change from marriage
as it was known and experienced in the past. (1) Modern societies
expect much more of marriage in the way of companionship, emotional
fulfillment, mutual growth in personal identity, and progressive
levels of intimacy (Augsburger, 1988, p. 17).
Intrusive change. Deaths, disasters, illnesses, family moves,
financial difficulties, career failures, and other kinds of losses
create particular stresses on the marriage relationship. One attorney,
for example, commented that it is not unusual for couples who file
for bankruptcy to also file for divorce. Intrusive change often
presents situations for which one cannot make preparation beforehand.
Predictable change. Predictable changes have come to light
with the study of human development. Social scientists have mapped
a life cycle that extends from the prenatal period until death.
Just as there are seasons in our individual lives so there are seasons
in a marriage. These stages in marriage come about because of the
life cycle changes in the spouses, but also because the relationship
itself has a life cycle. Each season has certain characteristics.
Transitions between the seasons are potential periods of crisis.
To know these stages of development ahead of time helps us to prepare
for them. (2) The resources of the gospel can be better focused
on the special needs created during the times of change.
Marriages
Within Marriage
Many developmental models include such stages of marriage as: honeymoon,
the career establishment period, the child-rearing period, the empty
nest when the children are gone, and the retirement marriage. An
interesting approach to these seasons of marriage is taken by Christian
author and marital therapist David Augsburger (1988) who recognizes
that, regardless of whether couples parent children, the marriage
relationship has a life of its own which changes over time. He believes
that those who live in a marriage over several decades are likely
to experience the equivalent of at least four different "marriages"
between them as partners within their one marriage. "Marriage
is not a single style of relating, committing, trusting, negotiating,
conflicting and growing. When there is growth . . . there will be
multiple marriages, serial marriages, a series of marriages that
unfold as the persons grow" (p. 15). (3)
Marriage One: Dream. "I love you. I must be with you.
I'll never leave you. You'll always be first. We are in love."
Feelings of hurt, fear, or frustration are cautiously shared or
concealed. Differences are tolerated or overlooked. Conflict is
avoided, since it is damaging to the dream. Intimacy is fueled by
the fires of romance.
Marriage Two: Disillusionment. "I still like you, but
I can't go on without change. I need space, I need respect. I need
to be me as well as `we.' We are in struggle." The dream begins
to evaporate, manipulation occurs as a way to get what we want.
We risk sharing feelings, but find them threatening, often uncontrolled,
confused and confusing. We demand change of the objectionable differences
in the partner. Conflict erupts from frustrated feelings. There
is fighting, bargaining, pressuring. Intimacy is intense at times,
but absent when there is tension.
Marriage Three: Discovery. "I find you surprising. What
I liked at the first I came to resent in you. Now I wouldn't change
it at all. We are learning to love." True communication is
invitation and work toward equality. We own our feelings and express
them with candor. We discover that our differences are creative,
necessary parts of each of us and of our marriage. We find more
creative ways of resolving conflict, seeking mutually satisfying
solutions more quickly.
Marriage Four: Depth. "When I'm with you I feel at home,
complete. When we're apart I am at peace, secure. We are loved."
There is more genuine mutuality and equality in our communication.
We flow with both our thoughts and feelings. We delight in our differences
and develop them in each other. We accept conflict as a healthy
process and utilize it to work for mutual growth (Augsburger, 1988,
pp. 10-12, 24, 25).
While couples and circumstances differ, research and clinical observation
shows these "marriages within a marriage" last about a
decade with transition periods between them.
Failure
to negotiate the passage between `the marriages within a marriage'
makes divorce more likely and complicates immensely the normal patterns
of growth. It is the treacherous passage into and out of the second
marriage which sinks many basically good relationships that might
have matured and become deeply satisfying and fulfilling alliances
(Augsburger, 1988, p. 13).
Commitment:
Stabilizing Force in Times of Change
If marriage is likened to a progression of seasons resulting from
earth's journey around the sun, then the commitment of the partners
to each other is like the gravitational force that holds earth in
orbit. The commitment of husband and wife to each other for the
journey of marriage gives assurance that, whatever betide them en
route, they remain committed to each other.
As the source of that gravitational pull is the sun, so Christian
marital commitment has its source in God. On numerous occasions
throughout Scripture the relationship of God to His people is likened
to marriage (Isa. 54:5; Jer. 31:32; Hos. 2:7; 2 Cor. 11:2; Rev.
21:9). The outstanding quality of God in that relationship is His
faithfulness (Hosea 2:20; Lam. 3:23).
The marital
relationship of lifelong companionship is founded on total commitment.
This is one of the reasons why the author of the letter to the
Ephesians has compared marriage to the relation of Christ with
His church (Eph. 5:31-32). Christ has totally committed Himself
to His community of followers. He has promised to be with us always
(Matt. 28:20). He has made us as His own body (1 Cor. 12:27; Eph.
5:28-30). He has loved us even when we have been unfaithful, and
He has poured out His life for us, not hesitating even to die
for us in order that we may live. . . . It is that kind of love—the
love that Christ has had for us—that we are to have for one
another in our marriages (Achtemeier, 1976, p. 38).
The love
which is needed to stabilize a marriage is the type of love which
God displays to each of us—an unconditional commitment to
an imperfect person. This takes energy and effort. It means caring
about the other person as much as you care about yourself (Wright,
1982, p. 39).
Strategies
for Coping With Change
1. Put change in perspective. "Only when one takes a
long view of marriage is one truly free to risk the exploration
of both the highs and the lows, the peaks and the valleys of a growing
relationship. When marriage is seen as a joint journey of mutual
growth, a developmental process over a long period of time, then
difficult periods can be put into perspective" (Augsburger,
1988, p. 18).
2. Whenever possible, plan ahead for changes which are likely
to come. "Many of life's events can be planned for in advance—such
as having a baby—and can bring security and satisfaction. Some
aspects of the various seasons of a marriage are fairly predictable
in the changes they bring. These also can be anticipated" (Wright,
1982, p. 12).
3. Adjust to the changes in your partner. Some changes can
wreck a marriage, such as alcoholism, drug use, mental and physical
cruelty, and infidelity. These belong in a class by themselves.
However, much change can be accommodated when we truly accept our
partners as persons of value. The passage of time by itself changes
people. Also, God's love and our love may actually be freeing our
partner to grow and change toward his or her potential. In such
change we should take delight.
Elizabeth Achtemeier shows the connection between this adjustment,
accommodation process, and Christian marital commitment, "We
must also learn to accept each other, with all our faults and imperfections.
Christian marriage is not only total commitment; it is also accepting
commitment, learning to love and value the other for the imperfect
person he or she is" (Achtemeier, 1976, p. 43).
4. Grow and change with your partner. One wife rationalized
that her divorce was appropriate by saying, "I've outgrown
him." One of the important avenues to growth together in marriage
is communication. (4) Continue to show unconditional love and acceptance.
(5), (6)
Conclusion
Christian marriage has a real advantage when it comes to facing
change, for it is rooted in God's covenant. The destructive aspects
of change cannot harm the marriage that is anchored in God. (7)
Covenant love is not threatened by change, rather it transforms
change, sees that which is positive in it, and takes a creative
approach. Covenant love is committed for eternity. It bears all
things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
It is a love that never fails.
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Sermon
Illumination
|
| One
(1): Marriage is changing. Couples entering marriage
today have considerably different expectations of it than has
been the case in the past. Marriage is undergoing a change from
the traditional style, characterized by a definite, authoritarian,
hierarchical role structure, with specific duties and obligations,
to what is known as companionship marriage, which is more equalitarian,
democratic, and flexible in its role structure. Whereas external
social pressures were a strong factor in holding the traditional
marriage together, the companionship model depends much more
on love and affection, intimate communication, and mutual interest
for unity. Commitment is perceived differently—it is more
to another individual than to the institution of marriage itself.
In short, one does not marry and settle down, but one enters
upon a lifelong work to achieve a mutually harmonious relationship
(Flowers, 1982). |
Two
(2): Some developmental stages and tasks in the family
life cycle
|
Stages
|
Tasks
|
| Beginning
family |
a.
Differentiating from family of origin.
b. Negotiating boundaries between friends and relatives.
c. Resolving conflict between individual and couple's
needs. |
| Infant/preschool
family |
a.
Reorganizing family to deal with new tasks.
b. Encouraging the child's growth while maintaining safety
and parental authority.
c. Deciding how to implement personal and family goals.
|
| School-age
family |
a.
Renegotiating workload.
b. Sharing feelings when child can't handle school.
c. Deciding who helps child with schoolwork. |
| Adolescent
family |
a.
Renegotiating autonomy and control between adolescents
and parents.
b. Changing parental rules and roles.
c. Preparing to leave home. |
| Launching
family |
a.
Separating from family.
b. Leaving home appropriately.
c. Entering college, military, or career with assistance. |
| Postparental
family |
a.
Renegotiating marital relationships.
b. Renegotiating time and work.
c. Adjusting to retirement. |
|
(Brown & Christensen, 1986, p. 24)
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| Three
(3): Perpetual change in marriage. I should say the
relation between any two decently married people changes profoundly
every few years, often without their knowing it; though every
change causes pain, even if it brings a certain joy. The long
course of marriage is a long event of perpetual change, in which
a man and a woman mutually build up their souls and make themselves
whole. It is like rivers flowing on, through new country, always
unknown (Lawrence, D.H., We need one another quoted in
Augsburger, 1988, p. 16). |
| Four
(4): Continually make adjustments. God is perfect,
the ideal of Christian marriage is perfect, and the means God
puts at the disposal of Christian couples is perfect. Yet there
is no perfect marriage, no perfect communication in marriage.
The glory of Christian marriage is in accepting the lifelong
task of making continual adjustments within the disorder of
human existence, ever working to improve communication skills
necessary to this task, and seeking God's enabling power in
it all (Small, 1968, p. 81). |
Five
(5): Unconditional love in marriage. "A man
told his wife that on a particular Friday he was going into
the boss' office to request the raise that he believed he more
than deserved. He was quite nervous and upset. When he finally
got his courage to go into the boss' office toward the end of
the day, the boss agreed that he deserved the raise and gave
him even a larger increase in salary than he had anticipated.
"When he arrived home, he noticed the dining room table
was set with the best dishes. There were candles burning. His
wife was preparing a delicious meal. He thought to himself,
'Someone has called her from the office to tell her.'
"He went into the kitchen, told her the good news, they
kissed, and then soon sat down at the table for a delicious
meal. Beside his plate was a beautifully lettered note which
read: 'Congratulations, darling! I knew you'd get the raise.
These things will tell you how much I love you.'
"They enjoyed the delicious meal together. When she got
up to get the dessert, he noticed a second card fell from her
pocket. He bent over, picked it up, and read: `Don't worry about
not getting the raise. You deserved it anyway. These things
will tell you how much I love you'" (Joe A. Harding quoted
in Charles Allen, 1988, p. 47). |
Six
(6): Say something nice to Sarah. "The young
reporter looked puzzled. He wasn't sure what he had expected
the old, snowy-haired gentleman to say in response to his inquiry.
But he certainly hadn't expected to be handed a worn gold watch.
Nor had he expected such a routine question to produce anything
more than a routine answer. He just needed something he could
jot in his pad to pacify the paper's social editor so he could
get on with his bigger stories for the day.
"He looked again at the watch, then back into the eyes
of the old man. They were filled with anticipation as he spoke.
'Go ahead and open it, young man. Written right there inside
the cover is all you'll ever need to know.'
"This was a big day for George and Sarah. And these were
big doin's for the little Midwestern farm community into which
George had settled over fifty years ago. Their son Peter had
arranged the whole thing as a surprise for their 50th wedding
anniversary. The whole town had turned out. That's why the young
reporter had been assigned to interview the old man. And that's
how it happened that he had asked the simple question: `Tell
me, Mr. Rampton, what's your secret? How do you stay happily
married for fifty years?'
"Looking a bit uncomfortable all dressed up in his shirt
and tie and dark gray suit, he gestured as though to hook his
thumbs behind his familiar suspenders. But finding none, his
arms dropped awkwardly to his sides.
'Well, son, I didn't know much about the ways of ladies or weddin's
or makin' a home on the day I got married,' he began. `I guess
you could say the whole thing had me scared right stiff. Only
one thing made me get dressed up and go through with the whole
thing. I knew I loved Sarah here a powerful lot. And this was
the only way I could have her for my own.
"It was her daddy that gave me this here watch. After the
weddin', as I was hitchin' up the team to drive me 'n Sarah
out to my place, he walked over to the buggy and said he had
a present for me. I could tell he was kinda choked up when he
said, 'My boy, that Sarah of yours is pretty special. But inside
the watch is all you'll ever need to know.' Then he thrust a
box into my stomach and left so fast I didn't even get a chance
to say nothin'.'
"The gold glistened in the sunlight. The engraving was
a bit worn by time, but the simple statement remained. 'Say
something nice to Sarah'" (Family Enrichment Tract Series,
A4, Home and Family Service, General Conference of Seventh-day
Adventists, Washington, DC, 1982). |
Seven
(7): Jesus walking on water. The late Dr. Ed Banks,
longtime evangelist and seminary professor who with his wife,
Letah, founded Adventist Marriage Enrichment, liked to use in
their marriage seminars a painting of Jesus walking on the water
(see Matt 14:25-27). As a visual aid during their presentation
on crises and difficulties in marriage, Dr. Banks would point
to this powerful portrayal of the Master amid turbulent seas
against a backdrop of ominous clouds and ask, "What does
this painting say to you?"
Various observations would be made as one by one members of
the group gazed at the painting. "His face is so calm and
reassuring!" "He knows no fear." "His feet
are completely dry." "His extended hands invite us
to walk on the water with Him." Many a troubled couple
reported that they found in that simple exercise of reflection
on Jesus' mastery of the elements a renewal of their faith in
Him as Master of earth and sea and sky, and courage to face
changes and difficulties in their lives. |
References
Achtemeier, E. (1976). The committed marriage. Philadelphia:
The Westminster Press.
Allen, C. L. (1987). Home fires. Waco, TX: Word Books.
Augsburger, D. (1988). Sustaining love: healing and growth in
the passages of marriage. Ventura, CA: Regal Books.
Brown, J., & Christensen, D. (1986). Family therapy: theory
and practice. Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole Publishing Co.
Flowers, R. (1982). "Good Marriages Don't Just Happen,"
Ministry, March, 1982.
Small, Dwight H. (1968). After you've said I do. Westwood,
NJ: Fleming H. Revell Company, 1968.
Wright, H. N. (1982). Seasons of a marriage. Ventura, CA:
Regal Books.
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